Airplane Etiquette 101

I was in Austin, Texas at the end of last week for work and I decided to make it a Thursday/Friday meeting so I could spend the weekend there and visit family. It was my first time in Austin, so I decided to make the most of it and booked a 5:30pm flight home on Sunday.

I should know better than doing stuff like that because I was thinking landing in Chicago at 8pm would be kind of late. Then of course Chicago had to get foggy and air traffic control decided to slow traffic down and I ended up sitting in the airport for an extra hour and a half and then on the plane for an extra hour and a half waiting for clearance. This is what brings me to the topic for today, airplane etiquette.

When I boarded the plane, I was suppose to have an aisle seat next to a younger guy (I don't know if he was still in college or a recent grad) and he said his friend was sitting in the window seat in front of him and he was wondering if I would like to switch seats so they could sit together and talk. I figured I don't really need the aisle since there were only 2 seats on each side so I figured I would be nice and so I swapped. Although I did say, depending on who sits next to me, I might change my mind. And he laughed and said he totally understood because he had to sit next to some smelly guy on the flight down.

I thought I had lucked out when the plane finished boarding and the seat next to me was free.

What I didn't know was that the guy sitting behind me was worse than a 3 year old and while we were sitting on the runway decided to play with the tray putting it up and down and constantly hitting the back of my seat in the meantime. I mean really people, do you think I can't feel that shit. No one is happy just sitting on the runway for over an hour, but do you have to make it worse by constantly knocking my chair? Trying to keep my patience I just switched to the aisle seat, hoping his friend was a little more courteous.

Then I figured I would make the most of our delay and read the book for which our company reading group was meeting about next week. Since my seat wasn't constantly being kicked, I figured I wouldn't get motion sickness at this point, but noooooooooooo Beavis and Butthead behind me don't know how to hold a conversation in a normal voice. Luckily I had my iPod with me and I have a relaxation/meditation track that runs for about an hour. So I was able to pump up the volume on that to drown out their conversation and still be able to concentrate on my book. Needless to say I finished the entire book after about 30 minutes into the flight and didn't feel the least bit guilty to recline my chair to the fullest.

You know at this point, I think everybody knows where the damn emergency exits are, how to fasten their seatbelt, and that the seat cushion can be used as a floatation device. What we should really hear at the beginning of every flight is airplane etiquette 101.

1. The person in front of you has feelings too, stop kicking your seat, fumbling around in the seat cushion, and playing with the tray table. Get your shit situated and sit still. This isn't romper room damn it.

2. If you know someone else on the plane, good for you, but the rest of us would like a quiet flight so shut the fuck up. Don't shout across the aisle or better yet stand in the aisle talking to people. This isn't the lunch room.

3. If someone is reading, listening to their iPod, or watching a movie on their laptop they don't want to shoot the shit with you. Take a hint buddy. If you want to say hi before takeoff, fine, but then shut your trap. Most people don't even like to introduce themselves until landing. That way you can get the pleasantries out of the way and then de-board the plane. I'll be cordial enough to help pass your drink to and from the flight attendance, but no talking is required. Unless you want to buy me a drink and then I'll say thank you and get my drink on.